The Cigarette Noise: Hey Alfred Nobel, Europe is lacking

By Ryan

With all the controversy surround President Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize win, little discussion has taken place regarding the other 2009 Nobel laureates.  This is surprising given that not only is the Nobel the most distinguished award in Physics, Chemistry, Literature, Peace, Medicine, and Economics, but that, as usual, most of the winners are from the United States.  Yes, those United States.  Come on, Europe, what are doing over there?  Let’s break it down.

Physics:

Willard S. Boyle (dual citizenship—Canada, U.S.) and George E. Smith (U.S.) “for the invention of an imaging semiconductor circuit.”  This sounds pretty good, until you realize that Boyle and Smith invented their charge-coupled device at AT&T in 1969.  Really, no one did anything more impressive in physics last year?  Or the last 40 years?

Chemistry

Venkatraman Ramakrishnan (India, U.K.), Thomas A. Steitz (U.S.), and Ada E. Yonath (Israel) “for studies of the structure and function of the ribosome.”  A female winner from Israel?  Now, we’re talking.  I guess technically Ramakrishnan works in Cambridge, but he was born in India and educated in the U.S.

Literature

Herta Müller (Germany) “who, with the concentration of poetry and the frankness of prose, depicts the landscape of the dispossessed.”  Alright, finally, a true European.  This category is usually pretty favorable to Europe, with Toni Morrison (1993) the only U.S. writer to win the award in the last twenty years.

Physiology or Medicine

Elizabeth H. Blackburn (U.S., Australia), Carol W. Greider (U.S.), and Jack W. Szostak (U.S., U.K.) “for the discovery of how chromosomes are protected by miniature bodyguards trained in the art of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu .”  I did not make that description up, I promise.  It makes sense that the U.S. would lead the way here, due to our heavily-funded medical research, about the only part of our healthcare system that’s worth celebrating.

Economics

Elinor Ostrom (U.S.), and Oliver Williamson (U.S.) “for analysis of economic governance.”  This one really gets me fired up.  The U.S. has had this category on lockdown since 2004.  Does the Nobel committee even read the newspapers?  If the U.S. has the best economists in the world, we’re surely misusing them.

In some ways it’s comforting to know that the rest of the world thinks we’re doing better than them.  But mostly it’s pretty disturbing when a country embattled in multiple wars, struggling with one of the worst health rates in the developed world, and scrapping by on poor economic indicators can take home the highest awards for peace, medicine, and economics.  If this is the best of what humans did in these fields last year, we’re all in serious trouble.

An Altruistic Angle: Agency vs. Institution: How the Republicans and Democrats are both wrong

By Anna

Two things need to happen in the fight against poverty: individuals have to make rational decisions and institutions have to shape human behavior for equal opportunity.  Though to me they are obvious factors that equally contribute to individuals living in poverty, many people blame one or the other, not understanding the particular situations, or why something is a stereotype.

Without boring you all to sleep with economical jargon let me just say that there are two schools of economic thought: one Republicans follow (the neoclassical view), the other Democrats adhere to (the institutional view)-yes, I realize I’m stereotyping, but it’s a stereotype for a reason.

1. Neoclassical: the individual must decide to stay in school and not do drugs because that is the most beneficial to “succeed” in this American society.  Individuals must act in self-interest (not to be confused with selfishness) and use rationality to decide what to do.

For example: For a high schooler in a low-income family this could mean going to school from 8 a.m. – 3 p.m., working from 3:30 p.m. – midnight and then doing homework from midnight – 2 a.m., so there’s not a lot of time to do drugs (or to sleep).  These are the “working poor,” and there is a high probability that they may still need welfare to make ends meet.

2. Institutional: the system evolves with passing policies and shapes human behavior.  The institution can be formal (government laws and regulations) or informal (learned behavior, like giving people personal space).

For example: Traditionally, families could be on welfare from birth to death, but in 1996, welfare was reformed so someone could only be on federal welfare for five years, yet could still qualify for state welfare for a longer period of time.  Because of the institutional set up, it functions as a charity system today and does not act in developing the families to be able to get a higher education so that they have an opportunity to be paid enough to get off of welfare.

Four hundred words barely begin to address the issue of neoclassical and institutional economics.  It has taken hundreds of years for white men to get where they are in the world, and it has only been about 50 years since the United States has started to address its issues of race.  So how can we expect to see equality for all lived out in America for another hundred years?

Onward & Downward: How I’d Save the Global Economy

By Adam

There was a time when I enjoyed watching the news.  I even enjoyed Watching the News’ retarded little brother, Reading the News, from time to time as well.  Those times have been set out to pasture, however.  It’s everywhere I turn; all I hear about anymore is the Goddamn economy.  Recession this; long-lasting, soul-crushing-debt-for-uncountable-future-generations-of-not-just-Americans-but-everyone that.  This is not the news I should be seeing!  Where the fuck is my jet-skiing squirrel?  Where are my stupid pet tricks?  Where is my Cheaters?!

Well, I’m fucking fed up, America.  If no one else is going to solve this shit, it’s going to have to be me running to your rescue again.  Listen, I take care of the disabled for a living.  This is not the kind of shit I want to be doing in my free time.  But just this once I’m going to make an exception: I’m going to wipe the drool from the economy’s chin.  Get your notepads out; class is in session.

Vince

Okay, here’s what we need to do first: put someone in charge that knows what the hell is going on.  Who the fuck is Barack Obama?  I guess a president or something?  I don’t know; I haven’t seen him on E!, so fuck that guy.  And this Timothy Geithner guy has the worst last name I’ve ever typed out on a computer.  That kind of last name pretty much ensures that this is the kind of asshole that would do something stupid, like not pay $14,847 in taxes in 2003 or 2004. Again, he’s not on E!, so fuck that guy.

Who would I put in charge?  Well, me.  See, I have a keen insight on how to make money.  If the government is going to spend $819 billion dollars to save the economy, I know exactly how to spend that shit and start turning a profit in half a fiscal year: buy a shit-load of Chinese factories.

Hell, buy a province of China!  This is basic economics: you produce a product on the cheap and jack up the MSRP to pull down a hefty profit.  What is the overhead going to be on one of these factories?  Like, $100 bucks a year tops?  This is China, motherfuckers.  We’re not exactly insuring the place for workplace injuries, and the Chinese will work for pennies on the dollar.  Literally.  It doesn’t even matter what we’d be producing at these factories, either: we could be making designer anthrax and people would still buy it.  You want to know why?  People can’t say “no” to my communications director, Vince (right).  He’d convince you to buy a steaming pile of shit, and then you’d buy two or three more for your family because that’s your mildew.  That guy is a fucking genius.

What next? I’d put a stop to all this media bitching about the “recession” and “job losses.”  In a perfect world, I’d institute some sort of state-sponsored media outlet, or at least some sort of media outlet that relentlessly pushed my agenda regardless of how crazy it was.  But we don’t live in a perfect world, so the next best thing would be to eliminate these so-called “experts” who make a living getting morons all riled up about 401Ks or some other stupid combination of numbers and vowels.  Instead, I’d put together a crack team of experts (below right), put them in front of some non-threatening graphs and charts, and let the antics ensue.  Not only would that put people at ease, but think of the ratings!

The best we have

And since the trident is my favorite ancient weapon, I’d need a third-prong to my three-pronged approach to solving the “global economic crisis.”  And that third-prong is nothing less than eliminating the “global” part of that equation.  Once again, America finds itself being dragged down by a bunch of international assholes trying to ride our coattails through this storm.  We can’t carry you right now, World!  We’re fighting two completely, absolutely necessary wars in the Mideast!  And these wars are fucking expensive.

So if I’ve spent maybe half of my $819 billion buying China and forming a state-sponsored media outlet, I’d have a shit load of money to put towards science.  I’d get the best fucking scientists in the world (above right) to work on designing some sort of super virus that kills everyone that’s not American.  With $409 billion, you’d think they could even make it target the illegal aliens living in America at the same time.  That is almost guaranteed to please Republicans, and we’re spending government money, so no Democrat will balk at this.

Listen, America, I’m willing to do what needs to be done to make shit work. The ball is in your court; I’m just a phone call away.

If you want some daily Onward and Downward or Nintendorks cynicism, check out my new twitter page. Dudes, it’ll add an inch to your girth, and ladies, it stops all vaginal bleeding forever, but in a good way.