By Ryan

Much like The Onion, Google News is good for reading the headlines and not much else.  However, every so often something catches my eye, and I’m led down a rabbit hole of crazy.  This happened again last week.  I didn’t even have to finish reading the headline, because when a link begins with “Growing threat from feral swine…,” you click that bitch, no questions asked.

You can read the whole story here, but this is my favorite part:

“Any pig can revert to a wild state in a matter of months, growing long hair and tusks and becoming aggressive. They are known to destroy crops and land and will eat virtually anything”

My first thought was, Wow, those pigs are dicks!  My second thought was, Hey, I remember reading about some badass feral camels awhile back.  My third thought was, I know I’m encroaching on Adam’s territory here, but the internet needs an article about animals with attitude.  It’s in this spirit that I offer you the biggest jerks in the animal kingdom:

Those aforementioned feral camels

Brought to Australia to work the mines (I’m guessing this was before they invented slaves), these camels were out on their asses when someone created mining robots.  With a “Tough luck, ya spittin’ goons!,” the camels were inexplicably released into the wild.  Maybe the Australians figured that they would die, but the camels had other plans.  They now roam the countryside, steal food from cattle, and knock down fences by leaning on them, sometimes to get over the fence, and sometimes just for good measure.  I’d like to see a robot do that!  (I’m well aware that a robot could do that, I just would like to see it.)

Honey badgers

You might think I made this one up, but I promise you that I’m not that good.  These animals in Africa used to just be called “badgers,” but their propensity for tearing apart beehives to get honey-beestings be damned!-has earned them the right to add the deceptively-sweet first name to their kind.  They’re also known to eat small antelope and other things not made of honey.  Rumors persist that if a honey badger is attacked by a human, THEY ALWAYS GO FOR THE GROIN.  Hey, they don’t call ’em honey badgers for nothin’!

Cuckoos

Some species of cuckoos are what is known as brood parasites.  A cuckoo of this type will lay its eggs in another bird’s nest, and if the other bird refuses or fails to hatch the egg, the cuckoo kills them.  You gotta hand it to cuckoos: they demand perfection from their fellow winged-friends, and participate in a progressive form of natural selection where those who cross them pay the ultimate price.

Awesome side note: to study this trait, European scientists took cuckoo eggs out of magpie nests and watched the cuckoos destroy every single magpie nest in the area.  Science 1, magpies 0.  If this list were about human jerks, those scientists would have secured their spots.

Nile crocodiles

Don’t let their rhyming name fool you; these crocs are all business-primarily, the business of torture.  While many predators kill their catch before consuming it, the Nile crocs do so by holding their prey underwater until it drowns.  This is the kind of stuff PETA doesn’t tell you.  Furthermore, Nile crocs use a group kill method called “death roll,” wherein the crocs use each other’s bodies for leverage as they grip into flesh, then roll over to pull it apart.  Just remember that when Quentin Tarantino uses it in his next movie; if you don’t, the Nile crocs might have a thing or two to say about it.

Killer whales

Okay, okay, it might be a bit obvious, but they’ve earned their obvious place on jerk lists.  They toss seals into the air like blubbery M&M’s before eating them.  They bump chucks of ice so that unsuspecting penguins slide into their watery graves.  Perhaps most awesome, they fake their own deaths by beaching themselves, then snatch seals as the tide pulls them back out to sea.  Anytime you fake your own death to cause the death of another being, you’re officially an a-hole in my book.

Skuas

Skuas are seabirds who hold other seabirds underwater until they throw up.  This would be mean even if the skuas ate the seabird vomit, but most don’t.  They eat the other birds, sometimes after making them vomit.  Talk about adding insult to injury!  It’s much like getting a swirly from a bully, except after the swirly you puke and the bully eats you.

I’m sure there are many more animals who deserve to be called jerks by some dude on the internet, and believe me, THEY’LL GET THEIRS!  Feel free to nominate such jerkimals in the comments.

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