By Ryan

Sometimes you come up with a great idea.  Other times, you come up with an idea that seems pretty stupid but doable.  Following a second week of box office returns that saw Paul Blart: Mall Cop in the top position, I’d like to lend filmmakers everywhere a few ideas of the latter variety.  Please note that these are not movies that I think should be made, but rather movies that I think could be made.  Besides, any discussion of movies that should be made is moot until someone takes Mr. John Hodgman up on his blockbuster-waiting-to-happen premise, all animals attack all humans.  That would be undeniably awesome.  Unfortunately, that’s not how the industry works, so we proceed to my list of movies that will inevitably get made:


Yes He Can: The Barack Obama Story

Every half-notable president gets their own movie, and Obama will be no different.  Now, back in the day, we waited a decade or so before making movies about JFK or Nixon, but with Oliver Stone releasing W. before the younger Bush’s term in office was even over, I’m kind of surprised that an Obama movie hasn’t been released already.  Some may speculate that Obama’s charisma can’t be captured on film, but I say you gotta get to White Castle before the weirdoes show up!  Seriously, people buy wall calendars and posters that have pictures of Obama and his family on them.  It’s incomprehensibly stupid and, quite frankly, gay.  Can you imagine having a poster of any other political family in your home?  You can’t do it, and for good reason: Obama crazies take adoration to another level, where they trick themselves into viewing the guy as some sort of rock-star, instead of, you know, a POLITICIAN.  Worshiping a politician gets you a ticket to the jerk convention in my book, but guess what?  That convention is screening the new Obama movie, starring Will Smith in the title role.


Ladder Golf: The Movie

There are movies about dodgeball, paintball, and ping-pong, so why not ladder golf?  It’s just as arbitrary and growing in popularity.  The thing about ladder golf is that while it can be played with teams, one-on-one is where the real action is at-enter Vin Deisel.  One man.  Three PVC pipes.  Two balls.  Get it?  Two balls!  Oh man, this one writes itself.



Tricksters are my kind of guys; usually demigods and the like, tricksters exist purely to screw people over and act as a literary device.  The best part about a trickster movie is that it wouldn’t be bound by the normal rules of fantasy-dom.  You know how in Harry Potter there are three unforgivable curses?  Those curses are in the Tricksters’ fave five, along with Charlie Sheen and donkey punches.  You can’t make this stuff up!


Dog Wars

Look, if we’re gonna have 85 movies a year about dogs, let’s at least have one where dogs rip the shit out of each other.  I propose this movie start with a boxer and a greyhound mixing it up, escalate with each dog recruiting various breeds to be on their respective sides for the great dog war, ramp up even further with no less than twenty minutes straight of thousands of dogs going at each other, and end with a booming shout of “ENOUGH,” as we turn the camera to reveal an irreverent cameo from Michael Vick.


The Scary

In this movie, something scary is after some pretty hot and pretty innocent girls.  What’s that you say?  You’ve seen this same premise hundreds of times?  Then stop going back to the damn movie theatre and paying $10 to see it again.  I hate you, America

I’m sure there are thousands of ideas like this, but I was only annoyed enough to come up with five.  If you have ideas that don’t deserve to be movies, cut out the middle man and email them directly to Jerry Bruckheimer.