By Adam

There was a time when I enjoyed watching the news.  I even enjoyed Watching the News’ retarded little brother, Reading the News, from time to time as well.  Those times have been set out to pasture, however.  It’s everywhere I turn; all I hear about anymore is the Goddamn economy.  Recession this; long-lasting, soul-crushing-debt-for-uncountable-future-generations-of-not-just-Americans-but-everyone that.  This is not the news I should be seeing!  Where the fuck is my jet-skiing squirrel?  Where are my stupid pet tricks?  Where is my Cheaters?!

Well, I’m fucking fed up, America.  If no one else is going to solve this shit, it’s going to have to be me running to your rescue again.  Listen, I take care of the disabled for a living.  This is not the kind of shit I want to be doing in my free time.  But just this once I’m going to make an exception: I’m going to wipe the drool from the economy’s chin.  Get your notepads out; class is in session.

Vince

Vince

Okay, here’s what we need to do first: put someone in charge that knows what the hell is going on.  Who the fuck is Barack Obama?  I guess a president or something?  I don’t know; I haven’t seen him on E!, so fuck that guy.  And this Timothy Geithner guy has the worst last name I’ve ever typed out on a computer.  That kind of last name pretty much ensures that this is the kind of asshole that would do something stupid, like not pay $14,847 in taxes in 2003 or 2004. Again, he’s not on E!, so fuck that guy.

Who would I put in charge?  Well, me.  See, I have a keen insight on how to make money.  If the government is going to spend $819 billion dollars to save the economy, I know exactly how to spend that shit and start turning a profit in half a fiscal year: buy a shit-load of Chinese factories.

Hell, buy a province of China!  This is basic economics: you produce a product on the cheap and jack up the MSRP to pull down a hefty profit.  What is the overhead going to be on one of these factories?  Like, $100 bucks a year tops?  This is China, motherfuckers.  We’re not exactly insuring the place for workplace injuries, and the Chinese will work for pennies on the dollar.  Literally.  It doesn’t even matter what we’d be producing at these factories, either: we could be making designer anthrax and people would still buy it.  You want to know why?  People can’t say “no” to my communications director, Vince (right).  He’d convince you to buy a steaming pile of shit, and then you’d buy two or three more for your family because that’s your mildew.  That guy is a fucking genius.

What next? I’d put a stop to all this media bitching about the “recession” and “job losses.”  In a perfect world, I’d institute some sort of state-sponsored media outlet, or at least some sort of media outlet that relentlessly pushed my agenda regardless of how crazy it was.  But we don’t live in a perfect world, so the next best thing would be to eliminate these so-called “experts” who make a living getting morons all riled up about 401Ks or some other stupid combination of numbers and vowels.  Instead, I’d put together a crack team of experts (below right), put them in front of some non-threatening graphs and charts, and let the antics ensue.  Not only would that put people at ease, but think of the ratings!

The best we have

The best we have

And since the trident is my favorite ancient weapon, I’d need a third-prong to my three-pronged approach to solving the “global economic crisis.”  And that third-prong is nothing less than eliminating the “global” part of that equation.  Once again, America finds itself being dragged down by a bunch of international assholes trying to ride our coattails through this storm.  We can’t carry you right now, World!  We’re fighting two completely, absolutely necessary wars in the Mideast!  And these wars are fucking expensive.

So if I’ve spent maybe half of my $819 billion buying China and forming a state-sponsored media outlet, I’d have a shit load of money to put towards science.  I’d get the best fucking scientists in the world (above right) to work on designing some sort of super virus that kills everyone that’s not American.  With $409 billion, you’d think they could even make it target the illegal aliens living in America at the same time.  That is almost guaranteed to please Republicans, and we’re spending government money, so no Democrat will balk at this.

Listen, America, I’m willing to do what needs to be done to make shit work. The ball is in your court; I’m just a phone call away.

If you want some daily Onward and Downward or Nintendorks cynicism, check out my new twitter page. Dudes, it’ll add an inch to your girth, and ladies, it stops all vaginal bleeding forever, but in a good way.

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