By Adam

escapefromnewyork1As I continue the perilous journey of buying a new computer/fixing this shitty one, I’ve decided to share another classic fixture from Exit Theory, the Live Movie Review! Only one was ever written, but that’s okay, as it was a live review of the best fucking movie ever made, ever; it just also happens to star the best fucking actor to have ever lived, ever. In retrospect, I never really was clear on who Ernest Borgnine was playing, but really, it’s 2009. Do any of us really give a shit anymore? Enjoy.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeah just started up Escape From New York, the new limited edition that was released months ago. I bought it when it initially came out, but haven’t gotten around to watching it. I’ll keep you posted on how fucking awesome it is.

1:52 pm: Snake Plissken just walked on the screen. One question comes to mind: Do these guys know who they are fucking with?

1:55 pm: Shit, they just kidnapped the president! Shit is going down.

2:00 pm: I love the idea of a post-apocalyptic New York, with crazy street gangs roaming around. The just cut off the president’s finger, and Ernest Borgnine is shitting bricks. They’ll kill the president if we come close? We have to have someone for the job…

2:03 pm: Snake’s solution? “I don’t give a fuck about the president. Get a new one.”

2:04 pm: Three, three different types of throwing stars. He’s a fucking machine.

2:07 pm: God damn Ernest Borgnine, injecting Kurt Russell with a a charge that would kill him in 24 hours if he runs. Now he has to go.

2:09 pm: “What do you mean, I can’t count on you? Good.”

2:11 pm: He just landed a plane on the World Trade Center. Never forget, etc.

2:16 pm: His gun is like all cardboard, all the time, with a big ass barrel that just looks ridiculous. Snake just walked in on a drag show/play, and there is a skanky sailor loving this shit. This movie is kick ass.

2:19 pm: Like a bunch of hobos are gonna take down the guy who flew over Leningrad? OH SHIT one of the hobos has the president’s locator bracelet! This isn’t gonna be easy anymore.

2:23 pm: A bunch of mutants or some shit just crawled out of the sewers and are running down streets. Why don’t I remember this? I can’t imagine this movie did that great in the box office, because I love this movie and have seen it a hundred times and still have no idea what the fuck is going on.

2:29 pm: “Aw, Snake Plissken in my cab? Wait till I tell Eddie!”

2:33 pm: “We were buddies, Harold. You, me, and Fresno Bob.” This movie is so fucking cool. The duke of New York!

2:37 pm: Isaac Hayes’ car doesn’t have headlights. It has goddamn chandeliers. Who came up with that idea? It’s awesome.

2:47 pm: I would posit that waking up with a crossbow pointed at your face would fucking suck. Also, Donald Pleasance is the president? Really? That guy looks like Lurch. I call bullshit.

2:52 pm: Fuck, I stopped watching for a minute and now riot guards are all over the goddamn place in Haiti or some shit. Jesus, this movie is a mindfuck.

2:54 pm: Snake’s got two hours to live, some hippies are prodding him in a hotel room, and he actually has a cobra tattoo leading down to his penis. Is it too late to whisper Oscar?

2:55 pm: Haha, holy shit, Snake’s in an arena now and I swear to god Jimmy Smitts just fucking spit on him. It was either him or Lou Diamond Phillips.

2:57 pm: There are some awesome beards in this movie, and if there’s one thing I like, it’s a beard and baseball bat fight.

3:01 pm: Ow, nail bat to the head. Isaac Hayes looks pissed, crowd loves Snake, Harold rekidnapped the president, and shit is about to go down.

3:07 pm: Obligatory escape/chase scene in  an old school cab. Some pretty good angles in this scene make it worthwhile.


3:14 pm: Minutes to live and a battle to the death with Shaft. OH SHI- the president just fucking shredded the Duke. That was kickass.

3:19 pm: I won’t ruin the ending, but it was sufficiently badass. I want an eye patch.