By Ryan

trumpFew things in life are more self-important than reality television, and if I was any kind of writer at all, I’d throw in some killer examples of said things.  Still, I did just use the phrase “said things,” so at the very least you’re getting a high-school-student-trying-to-make-his-College-Comp-essay-sound-more-intelligent-than-it-is level of work.  And a ton of hyphens.  And fragments.  Anyway, I’d be remiss (or, at least, lazy), if I didn’t get to why I’m writing in the first place: I’m in love with a girl and I don’t even know her name, except that it’s not a girl, it’s a reality television show, and I know its name, it’s Celebrity Apprentice, quite possibly the most self-important piece of television history since the last Apprentice.

Look, you don’t need me to tell you how full of himself Donald Trump is.  Everybody knows he’s a egomaniacal buffoon, albeit a successful one (as opposed to the poor, homeless egomaniacal buffoons you see on city buses).  This season of Apprentice doesn’t show us anything we didn’t already expect out of Trump, but it does serve as a delightful reminder of how fun reality television can be at its very best and/or worst.

I don’t really watch reality television aside from a Food Network program here or there, but when I saw the cast list for this season’s Celebrity Apprentice I knew that the comedy factor would be off the charts.  Dennis Rodman?  Joan Rivers?  Tom Green?  Brian McKnight?  One of the girls who holds suitcases of money on Deal or No Deal?  Genius.  I’m convinced that nobody could honestly watch this show and find it interesting, but that nearly everyone who would take the time to watch an entire episode would find it more laugh-out-loud funny than almost every other television show-reality or otherwise-on the major networks.

I don’t want to rehash every crazy thing that’s happened on this show, so I’ll just give you my three favorites:

1.       Dennis Rodman drinking during every single task, not showing up to half of them, getting in the face of the half-his-size Clint Black for no apparent reason, and being accused of being an alcoholic by the entire cast in a shockingly somber boardroom that saw him leave the show.  And a hearty hats-off to whoever decided that putting up a “Know someone who has a drinking problem? Call AA at…” card at the end of the show was a good idea.  Comedy gold.

2.       Joan Rivers hating somebody different every week, going out of her way to stick up for her bitchy daughter (and fellow contestant) Melissa, and threatening to leave the show several times.  I’m not sure how much she drinks on the set-the camera only ocassionaly catches her with wine or champagne-but her reactions during boardroom and the firing process are completely inexplicable.  Last time she tried to smash a champagne flute on the floor, only it was still full of champagne and she got it all over her ridiculous outfit and stupid hair.  Also, Trump repeatedly states that she’s “one of the best comediennes of all time,” which is pretty damn funny for anyone who’s ever seen her “perform.”

3.       Trump is a class-A sleezeball with the ladies.  One of the contestants is a former Playboy model, and Donald continually hits on her.  She has probably the weakest skill sets of anyone, but she never gets fired because most of what Trump says to her in the boardroom is things like, “Brandi’s a beautiful woman, there’s no doubt about that.”  On one show, the contestants had to make “viral videos” for All detergent, and one team hired a model for their video.  Trump commented on her looks and then, completely seriously, cut off what one of the contestants was saying to ask her, “Do you agree that she is very sexy?” when it had nothing to do with the discussion.  He then asked for Brandi’s opinion, citing her as “One of the all-time queens of sexiness.”

I’m not trying to convince anyone to watch this show, as it’s an utter waste of time, but still…  It’s funny, and I’m out here, staking my reputation as someone with taste to say that I like this show.  Maybe I don’t like it for the reasons NBC wishes I would like it, but the end result is just as good: I watch it every week, and I can’t get enough of The Donald.  Last week he called the Fashion Institute of Technology “a real winner of a place.”  Anyone who talks like that gets two hours a week from me, no questions asked.  Here’s hoping next season’s cast is a bit more famous, a bit more crazy, and, just for Trump’s sake, “way smokin’ hot.”