By Ryan

I’ll admit that I’m an easily irritated person.  Little things annoy the hell out of me, and I have some bubbling rage issues that may need to be confronted at some point in time.  But I don’t think I’m alone on this one; we can all agree that the swine flu hullabaloo is reflective of the general stupidity of the masses.

Is this what the swine flu virus looks like? I'm not sure. Does this image come up when you Google 'swine flu'? You're damn right it does.

Is this what the swine flu virus looks like? I'm not sure. Does this image come up when you Google "swine flu"? You're damn right it does.

Look, I’m not gonna spend all day on this.  Swine flu is weak, and, probably, even more so than the normal flu, a virus that most people get at some point(s) in their lives and are better within a few days.  Yet I see folks on the subway with gas masks, hear about people quitting their gyms over swine flu fears, and have to deal with the onslaught of media coverage.  It’s like no one even paid attention the whole bird flu non-event of a few years ago; if something was actually a major threat to your health, cancelling high school sports won’t save you.

What really sticks in my craw—and it’s a damn sticky craw to begin with—is that the type of people who get all worked up over this crap are the ones we all wish would come down with it.  We all know these people, the ones who take every national news story personally.  We hate them, and if we don’t, we should.

That reminds me of an idea I once had to make America a better place.  It goes like this: every single week, theatres across the country release one “trick movie,” a movie that looks so stupid that no one would ever think of seeing it, and then, during each screening of the movie they gas the audience that was dumb enough to go see it.  We could start with just reusing Eddie Murphy movies, and then eventually we’d run out of them and have to move onto Rob Schneider and Tyler Perry stuff.  The caveat is that this would be a public plan, so people would know the risk when they went to a movie; if you’re not sure if you should see Christmas with the Kranks or Finding Neverland (a decision I actually heard a couple debating over dinner in late November 2004), just play it safe and stay home.  How does this not improve the general intelligence?

Furthermore, if you’re a terrorist—and Lord knows if you’re reading this blog, that’s a distinct possibility—what do you hate more: the hardworking folks in NYC financial offices or the tools who laugh at Carlos Mencia?  Which America is more disgusting to you?  Because I know which one I hate more, and I think if you looked into it, you would too.  So yeah, that twenty-five year old guy in a gas mask in line to see Dane Cook in Cleveland?  Go for it; you’ll do my blood pressure a favor.