By Adam

StarTrek_PineinChair-thumb-500x318-14416With the “Exit Theory” retrospective in the can and an unnecessary hiatus under the belt, we return now to our regularly scheduled blasphemy and rancor. I’ve been gone a long time, so we have a lot to catch up on. That means I get to use one of those bullet-point lists that I so love doing! What am I going to sodomize today? Read below for protracted colons!

  • Fucking Republicans. I try to be politically neutral here, but you guys are a whiny group of bitches.  Every time I turn on the television or listen to the radio some right-wing talking head is giving a fucking sermon on how Democrats are systematically ruining the nation. Are you guys fucking retarded, or what? This country has been fucked for decades. Really, there’s no way to win anymore: healthcare is boned, you will never be able to fully afford a visit to the hospital; social security for my generation is a pipe-dream; and we couldn’t stay out of a war with brown people to save our goddamned lives. Just because democrats have control the nation suddenly turns to shit? This is America, folks. Self-destruction is kind of our deal.
  • Hollywood Movies. People keep telling me Star Trek is good, but people insist on being wrong so often I just don’t know whom to trust anymore. “Well,” I said to myself, “better fucking try it for myself.” When you peel back the glossy special effects and the gritty, thick-like-an-Alabama-single-mother sexual tension between Spock and Kirk all that’s left over is the pussy from Troy screaming about some stupid planet. So his planet was destroyed, right? And the only way to save it was creating a massive black hole, right? I’m not a theoretical physicist, but doesn’t that sound fucking stupid to you? And if you could back in time to destroy Leonard Nemoy, why not just go back in time and warn everyone about the coming apocalypse? This isn’t hard. And that Wolverine movie! Holy god, that movie gave me fucking cancer. I hope my mom doesn’t spirit me away to die in a lonely Canadian cabin so she can draw attention to her crazy-ass beliefs. Paging Dr. Münchausen.
  • Swine Flu. Oh no, not the flu! So this killed like a billion people in Mexico, right? Listen, I have been to Mexico, and I have seen some of the hospitals they have there. A prescient man once said, “I hope I don’t die in some Mexican hellhole.” Methinks he was commenting on Puerto Vallarta. That city was built in a pattern: it alternated between herpes-ridden night clubs boasting “bubble nights” and hole-in-the-wall medical institutions that make the movie Hostel look accommodating. Swine flu is also great in that it disproves Catholicism—anyone else find it odd that the country in which every single human being is Catholic gets dominated by the flu? I mean, really, the flu? But I could be wrong about that one—Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann found it interesting that the last time swine flu was a problem a Democrat held the highest office. Wow, huh? What a cunt.
  • Television season finales. I used to be that guy that was all “Man, you watch Lost? What an asshole.” After watching the show I became all “Lost? I LOVE LOST.” After watching the season five finale, I wanted to stab a puppy. What’s even more frustrating is that it was critically adored! Television critics are a perfect analogue to crack whores: They’ve got to get that money somewhere, so if someone offers them a baked-diarrhea pie to eat, they think they got to eat it. But if it works once, it will always work. If you say an episode is awesome when it fucks all the continuity in the ass, introduces not one but two deus ex-machina characters, and ends in a fucking nuclear explosion, writers are going to think they can get away with that! Enjoy your baked diarrhea, fuckers! I’m done with this shit.

Rest assured, this isn’t all that has me pissed off over the past few weeks. I will be back, and I will be pissed, and you will read this shit. If you want to get pissed as I as go, follow me on Twitter.