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By Ryan

I apologize for the lack of columns as of late; I just moved into a new place, and the entire process was pretty taxing in terms of time.  That said, I should be putting out stuff more regularly now that I’m all settled in.  And what better way to come back than by getting to digest this story?chuck_e_cheese4

Chuck E Cheese character groped breast, suit says

By Heather Ratcliffe

ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH

04/30/2009

ST. LOUIS COUNTY • A woman has filed a lawsuit against Chuck E Cheese, claiming the beloved mouse character at a child-theme restaurant put his paws where they didn’t belong.

Jennifer Sorbello, 22, of Arnold, filed the suit Tuesday in St. Louis County Circuit Court, accusing a man dressed in the mascot costume, William Thigpen, of groping her breast.

The suit says it happened Aug. 2, 2008, at the restaurant at 720 South County Center Way.

“He looked at her, reached out, grabbed her breast and moved along,” said Mark Potashnick, Sorbello’s attorney. “Her jaw dropped in shock and disgust.”

Her stepfather captured in incident in a photo but didn’t know it until after they reviewed the pictures, the lawyer said.

Sorbello accuses Thigpen and the restaurant of assault, battery and discrimination in public accommodation. She’s asking for unspecified compensation, including punitive damages and attorney’s costs.

Potashnick said his client did not know Thigpen.

Thigpen and officials with the restaurant’s parent company, CEC Entertainment of Irving, Texas, could not be reached for comment.

According to the suit, Thigpen was greeting patrons when he touched Sorbello.

“As a direct result of Thigpen’s conduct,” the suit reads. “(Sorbello) has been damaged in the form of emotional distress and humiliation.”

To the woman brining this suit forward:

Emotional distress and humiliation!?  Listen, whatever you felt in those few moments when a man in a mouse costume grabbed your breast-and I sympathize with how degrading that would be-I promise you that it will pale in comparison to living the rest of your public life as “the woman who was gropped by and sued Chuck E Cheese.”  It’s like you don’t even know about the internet!  We live for this kind of stuff.  This story will not die!  There are already 200 comments on the original article, and tons of links on popular blogs, including USA Today‘s website.  What’s more embarrassing-having some perv touch you in public or having some perv touch you in public and then having millions of people read about it?  I hate to question you after what you went through, but your actions here are pretty questionable.

To the man in the Chuck E Cheese costume:

Have you no shame?  Oh wait, obviously you don’t, you work at Chuck E fucking Cheese.  And not even servicing the skee ball machines or making the nasty-ass pizza; no, you my friend get to wear the costume and “greet patrons,” which you saw as an opening for copping a feel.  You disgust me almost as much as the aforementioned pizza.

To the stepfather:

Why are you at Chuck E Cheese with your 22-year-old stepdaughter?  And taking pictures of it!  You’re a douche.

To Heather Ratcliffe:

Well done, my friend.  Well done.

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By Ryan

Remember when Condi Rice was asked by the 9/11 commission the title of a PDB from August 6, 2001, and she had to respond, “I believe the title was “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.””?  Of course you do.  Can you imagine what she had to be feeling at that moment?  I mean, she had known that the administration was going to come under public scrutiny once this information came out, but to be forced to say it in such a public setting in such a sure-fire-sound-bite manner had to make her a bit squeamish.  I think this is how Michael Phelps must feel when he sees Ashton Kutcher defending him on Access Hollywood.

He even dresses like a moron

He even dresses like a moron

You see, Phelps is a rare breed of modern celebrity; he has only one remarkable skill set, and it’s only particularly useful every four years or whenever he’s being chased by a shark.  Because of the phenomena of the Olympics, where average citizens inexplicably care about sports you couldn’t bribe them to watch otherwise, Phelps can avoid the spotlight for the 206 Olympic-less weeks every four years, emerging only when he wants and where he wants.  That is to say, he is not Kobe Bryant, with the LA lights always on his every move; he is not Roger Clemens or Barry Bonds, still paying repercussions for wrongs they might have (probably) done years ago; hell, he’s not even Kutcher.  He’s a guy who lives in Baltimore and gets to chose which endorsements to take for millions and which parties to attend with whatever star-of-the-moment he’s currently hanging out with.

So it’s understandable that no one mentions his 2004 drunken driving incident, which occurred when Phelps was just 19 years old.  After all, it doesn’t make for good hype when you’re NBC and you’re trying to make Phelps the most famous American athlete of his generation.  He was young, he made a mistake, blah blah blah, I get it.  But now people are going to give him a break on this marijuana incident?  Please.

The average defense goes something like this: he’s 23 and all 23 year olds smoke weed.  Bullshit.  First of all, I know plenty of 23 year olds who have never done an illegal drug.  And, secondly, star athletes (and celebs in general) are held to a different standard than the average 23 year old kid.  As well they should be.  Most of the income Phelps earns is from endorsements given him because of his all-American good-boy image.  If people start to see him for who he really is-a dumbass frat boy with pretty limited talent-those endorsements could go away rather quickly.

Look, I’m all about second chances.  But second chances don’t have to mean getting to keep your $100 million in endorsement deals.  Second chances means you don’t get stripped of your medals, and you don’t get fined and get another black mark on your legal file.  Do I think smoking weed is a big deal?  Not really, but it is illegal, and if we’re going to rake other athletes and celebrities over the coals for their transgressions, then Phelps should get no free pass.  He’s proven himself irresponsible and, in interviews and an SNL appearance, uninteresting, and it’s about time he got called out on it.  Phelps, you’re a douchebag.

By Ryan

Much like The Onion, Google News is good for reading the headlines and not much else.  However, every so often something catches my eye, and I’m led down a rabbit hole of crazy.  This happened again last week.  I didn’t even have to finish reading the headline, because when a link begins with “Growing threat from feral swine…,” you click that bitch, no questions asked.

You can read the whole story here, but this is my favorite part:

“Any pig can revert to a wild state in a matter of months, growing long hair and tusks and becoming aggressive. They are known to destroy crops and land and will eat virtually anything”

My first thought was, Wow, those pigs are dicks!  My second thought was, Hey, I remember reading about some badass feral camels awhile back.  My third thought was, I know I’m encroaching on Adam’s territory here, but the internet needs an article about animals with attitude.  It’s in this spirit that I offer you the biggest jerks in the animal kingdom:

Those aforementioned feral camels

Brought to Australia to work the mines (I’m guessing this was before they invented slaves), these camels were out on their asses when someone created mining robots.  With a “Tough luck, ya spittin’ goons!,” the camels were inexplicably released into the wild.  Maybe the Australians figured that they would die, but the camels had other plans.  They now roam the countryside, steal food from cattle, and knock down fences by leaning on them, sometimes to get over the fence, and sometimes just for good measure.  I’d like to see a robot do that!  (I’m well aware that a robot could do that, I just would like to see it.)

Honey badgers

You might think I made this one up, but I promise you that I’m not that good.  These animals in Africa used to just be called “badgers,” but their propensity for tearing apart beehives to get honey-beestings be damned!-has earned them the right to add the deceptively-sweet first name to their kind.  They’re also known to eat small antelope and other things not made of honey.  Rumors persist that if a honey badger is attacked by a human, THEY ALWAYS GO FOR THE GROIN.  Hey, they don’t call ’em honey badgers for nothin’!

Cuckoos

Some species of cuckoos are what is known as brood parasites.  A cuckoo of this type will lay its eggs in another bird’s nest, and if the other bird refuses or fails to hatch the egg, the cuckoo kills them.  You gotta hand it to cuckoos: they demand perfection from their fellow winged-friends, and participate in a progressive form of natural selection where those who cross them pay the ultimate price.

Awesome side note: to study this trait, European scientists took cuckoo eggs out of magpie nests and watched the cuckoos destroy every single magpie nest in the area.  Science 1, magpies 0.  If this list were about human jerks, those scientists would have secured their spots.

Nile crocodiles

Don’t let their rhyming name fool you; these crocs are all business-primarily, the business of torture.  While many predators kill their catch before consuming it, the Nile crocs do so by holding their prey underwater until it drowns.  This is the kind of stuff PETA doesn’t tell you.  Furthermore, Nile crocs use a group kill method called “death roll,” wherein the crocs use each other’s bodies for leverage as they grip into flesh, then roll over to pull it apart.  Just remember that when Quentin Tarantino uses it in his next movie; if you don’t, the Nile crocs might have a thing or two to say about it.

Killer whales

Okay, okay, it might be a bit obvious, but they’ve earned their obvious place on jerk lists.  They toss seals into the air like blubbery M&M’s before eating them.  They bump chucks of ice so that unsuspecting penguins slide into their watery graves.  Perhaps most awesome, they fake their own deaths by beaching themselves, then snatch seals as the tide pulls them back out to sea.  Anytime you fake your own death to cause the death of another being, you’re officially an a-hole in my book.

Skuas

Skuas are seabirds who hold other seabirds underwater until they throw up.  This would be mean even if the skuas ate the seabird vomit, but most don’t.  They eat the other birds, sometimes after making them vomit.  Talk about adding insult to injury!  It’s much like getting a swirly from a bully, except after the swirly you puke and the bully eats you.

I’m sure there are many more animals who deserve to be called jerks by some dude on the internet, and believe me, THEY’LL GET THEIRS!  Feel free to nominate such jerkimals in the comments.